Ideas for a Time When Someone You Love Is Dying

Ideas for a Time When Someone You Love Is
Dying


By James E. Miller


Someone you love is dying. Someone who has been as
lively
as you, is now losing their liveliness, or they're about to. It hardly
seems
possible. More than that, it hurts. It hurts to see them go through
what
they're going through. It hurts that you cannot protect them, that you
cannot
change their outcome. It hurts to feel all that you feel. It hurts to
realize
this is not the only death you'll ever face.
Someone you love is dying and it feels as if a part of you is
dying
too. It's not easy to think about what all this means. What will life
be
like without them? What will happen to you in the future? What will
become
of your relationship? Those are only some of your questions. You're
probably
also wondering about this period just ahead of you. What will you say
to
that person? What will you talk about? What should you not talk about?
How
should you act? What can you do that will best help them? And how can
you
best help yourself?
I've written this to assist you in finding the answers you seek.
I've
made a few assumptions along the way. I've assumed you're close to the
one
who's dying--they're your spouse or lover, your parent or sibling or
child,
your close friend or trusted colleague. If your relationship is more
distant,
some of the specific ideas presented here may not ring true for you. I
believe
the basic twelve principles, however, are universal.
This will be a time of testing unlike any you've known. It can be
extremely
stressful when someone you love is dying. Depending on who they are,
who
you are, and what the situation is, the stress can seem overwhelming.
Not
only are you about to lose an important relationship, but you're
probably
being forced to make major changes in your life. Change does not come
easy.
Unwanted change is even harder to accept. And a change which threatens
your
sense of well-being is the most difficult of all. It would not be
surprising,
then, if this were one of the most stress-filled times you've ever
known.

In addition to dealing with all your emotions, you may be facing a
host
of disruptions in your daily life. You may be responsible for extensive
caregiving duties, either ones you've chosen or ones you've been
handed.
Doctor appointments, lab tests, hospital visits, and medical
emergencies
may devour your time. Day-to-day caregiving rituals may consume your
thoughts
and sap your energy. Financial matters may burden you or even frighten
you.
Decisions about the future may hang heavy.
Other responsibilities also vie for your attention. You may have a
career
to juggle, other loved ones to watch over, important commitments to
fulfill.
Your family life may be altered, if not fractured. You'll probably have
less
leisure time, less personal privacy. Friends may pull back from you out
of
their discomfort of not knowing what to say or do.
What is happening to the one you love may cause you pain. Their
disease
may make them uncomfortable. Their treatments may make them sick. Their
dying
may make them very sad. You may witness changes in them that are hard
to
accept, or you may experience changes in your relationship that concern
you,
or hurt you, or mystify you.
It's no wonder that caring for someone who's dying is one of the
most
stress-producing jobs there is, even for people who are trained in this
work.
And if it so easily affects those with experience and expertise, why
should
it not affect you? You're new at this. And this is not just a patient
you're
dealing with--it's someone who has worked their way into your heart.
Your situation should not be downplayed. But neither should it be
painted
as impossible. Others have done what you are now called upon to
do--many
others. And while you may wonder if you have what it takes to do what
you
must do, those who have done this before you have left a message: "It's
hard,
but you can do it."
Three suggestions may help you through this time.
Learn all you can. Find out about your loved one's disease,
prognosis,
and treatment. Learn how to provide care, manage stress, and develop
efficiency.
Ask questions, read articles and books, network with others. The more
you
know about what you're facing, the better you can face it.
Go easy on yourself. Give yourself time to adjust to all the
changes.
Pace yourself daily. Be lenient in your self-expectations. The more
accepting
you are of yourself, the more tolerant you'll be of those around you,
including
the one who's so ill.
Don't forget: this is only temporary. It may seem that this crisis
will
never end, or that life will always be sad, or that you'll be forever
hurt
by what's happening. Such thoughts are understandable. But rest
assured:
the distress you feel will one day subside. Life's joy can return.
You'll
be shaped and changed by what you're going through, yet the changes
don't
have to be only negative. You can grow from this experience. You may
not
want to read that right now, but it's true.
If nothing else, remember this: You've known times of testing
before,
and you've survived them. You can yet again. For the moment draw upon
the
strength and the example of those who have persevered before you. Take
their
words to heart: "Yes, it's hard, but you can do it. I know you can."
The dying person will be as they've always been, only more so.
When someone is told they have only limited time to live, they
respond
in their own unique way. Some people become visibly upset and others
appear
stoic. Some act astonished and others take it in stride, as if they've
known
all along. There are no prescriptions for how people will react when
they
learn they're dying, but there are some general rules.
As a rule, the kind of person they've been before is the kind of
person
they'll be now.
The fact that something has happened and someone is now dying does
not
change who they are. They do not automatically become wiser or kinder
or
braver. They simply become more themselves. Generally, if they were
serious
before, they'll be serious now. If they've been lighthearted, they'll
probably
still have a sparkle about them, at least some of the time. Quiet
people
will usually not talk a lot more, grouchy people will not complain much
less,
and affectionate people will not give up their loving ways.
What dying people may do is emphasize certain aspects of who
they've
been all along. Realizing this is a time unlike any other, and knowing
it
will not come again, they may concentrate on certain pursuits or call
upon
certain characteristics, letting others fall away. You may have the
impression
they're becoming more who they're meant to be.
As a rule, dying people prefer to live fully as long as they're
able
and to be treated as very much alive.
There's a tendency to treat dying people differently. Voices are
often
lowered. People's faces may appear overly somber or they may take on a
false
cheeriness. Topics of conversation become more limited and some things
are
no longer talked about at all. As a result, the dying person may feel
they're
being pushed to one side, or they're being treated with pity, or
they're
being handled like a child.
Not only is the dying person no different than they used to be,
but
in the most essential way, they are no different than you are today.
They're
your equal in every sense. They're as full of life as you are. They're
every
bit as human and maybe even more human. So they may bristle if you
treat
them as less than they are. They don't want your pity; they want your
compassion.
They don't want you to pat them on the head; they want you to go with
them
hand-in-hand just as far as you can.
As a rule, rules don't always hold.
While most people don't experience personality conversions as they
prepare
to die, some do. Some decide to live the time that's left in radically
different
ways, and they give up old lifestyles for new ones. Some become
obviously
freer and others become clearly happier. Some grow up a great deal in a
short
period of time and a few, unlikely as it may seem, actually blossom. It
happens.

It will help everyone if you can go into this experience with as
few
preconceptions as possible about what dying people are like. Just
expect
the one you love to live as fully as they want for as long as they're
able.
Expect them to know joy as well as sorrow, to feel promise as well as
pain,
to laugh as well as cry. Expect them to teach you what you need to
know.
Mostly, just expect them to live until they die. Then let them do
precisely
that.
The one who's dying needs you to reach out.
Those who know they're dying may hesitate to voice their deeper
thoughts
and feelings. They're often afraid of upsetting people around them.
They're
not sure how much others are ready for. It's not unusual for caregivers
to
behave similarly, tiptoeing carefully through conversations, steering
clear
of any topics that might seem disturbing. This can also be a way of
protecting
oneself. Whatever the reason, the result is the same: the dying person
can
come to feel isolated and lonely. So can you. But that doesn't have to
be
the case. You can reach out and connect.
Connect by talking. Speak to the one you care for as an equal,
person
to person, face to face. Say what you think. Express what you feel. If
the
dying person is slow to open up, don't push them. Just let them know
you're
ready to move to a deeper level whenever they are. If tears come, let
them
to be. They're a sign that you care, an indication you wish this wasn't
happening. Would you want the one you're with to think otherwise? So be
honest
with them. Talk simply and straightforwardly. Avoid secrets. Speak when
the
time is right and stop when the moment has passed. Draw the other
person
out bit by bit. Allow yourself to be drawn out too. Make this a time
when
you truly meet.
Connect by listening. The one who's dying may have much to
say--feelings
to explore, questions to ask, ideas to leave behind, experiences to sum
up.
Your patient, attentive ear is one of the greatest gifts you can offer.
Real
listening takes work. The dying person's thoughts can be complicated
and
confusing as they spill out. Their emotions can be forceful and yet
elusive.
Answers may not be easy to come by. Yet you will perform a wonderful
service
by listening carefully to what the other person has to say, without
interrupting,
without judging, and without shying away. These can be sacred times
you'll
both remember long afterwards.
Connect by encouraging memories. Often a dying person wants to
make
sense of the time they've had on earth. They want to feel their life
has
mattered and their influence will not be forgotten. You can play a
critical
role by treating their memories as important and their reflections on
life
as valuable. Leaf through scrapbooks and old letters with them. Look at
pictures,
sort through mementos, tell and re-tell meaningful stories. As you do
this,
you're each beginning to say your goodbyes. Saying them this way,
gradually
and lovingly, can help you both.
Connect by touching. People who are dying want to know you're with
them
in as many ways as possible. No way is more direct than physical touch.
If
it's a comfort to them, hold their hand or touch their arm or shoulder
or
head. Stroke them, massage them, hug them. Your nonverbal communication
can
say as much as your verbal, or even more. Don't forget that touch and
hearing
are the two senses a person retains longest. Even when they cannot
speak,
they can be spoken to with a sound or a caress.
Connect by just being present. Sometimes the most thoughtful way
to
reach out to a dying person is by not saying or doing anything. By your
consistent return you communicate "I will not desert you." By sitting
or
working quietly in the same room with them, you communicate "I enjoy
being
with you." By staying beside them when they need you, your message is
clear:
"I am right here. I care."
The one who is dying wants to know they're not alone. It's up to
you
to tell them in as many ways as you can.





Jim Miller
http://www.willowgreen.com
This writing is an excerpt from Jim Miller’s book One You Love Is
Dying: 12 Thoughts to Guide You on the Journey by Willowgreen
Publishing.
You can learn more about this book, as well as other Willowgreen
resources
related to illness, dying, loss and grief, and caregiving here.


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Information about the book from which this passage came.