How Do I Love Myself When I Feel Like Crap

Many people see my constant, happy smile and makeinstant assumptions about me and my past. However, my childhood was apretty traumatic one. In the bad old days, as I call them, I would passa mirror, momentarily liked what I saw but then suddenly, andinexplicably, would start telling myself that I was 'crap', that I'hated' myself and I was 'pathetic'.





I had buried my trauma deep insideme, refusing to face them and, slowly, it took its toll in a continuouslack of self-love and low self-esteem. Gradually, and painfully, Ilearned that I had to sort out my past, face it and move on, and thenbegin the slow process of self-love. The wonderful result is clear tosee now.



At the root of our main problems is likely to be a lackof self-love. It is much easier for us not to love ourself because thenatural instinct to blame always seeks a scapegoat. When we do not wishto blame someone else for the hurt, pain or unappreciation we feel, wego inwards with the anger and beat ourselves up instead.





Forexample, victims of racism are likely to loathe themselves or theirchildren, likely to tell their children how 'ugly' or 'horrible' theyare, externalising the self-hate they feel. The same with victims ofdomestic abuse. They usually blame themselves for the violence, beingwilling to believe that they must have done something to deserve it andthey are not worthy of anything else. This lack of self love merelyperpetuates the negative situations, reinforcing the very behaviourwhich is hurting them.


Self-love is the KeyTovalue, feelings of worth, inclusion significance and ultimatelyrespect. We cannot earn the respect of others if we have no respect forourself. We cannot expect others to love what we reject if we have nolove for ourself and we cannot expect value from others if we giveourself no value. What happens in our life happens in circular motion:whatever we feel we then give out to our world which comes back to usten-fold through the natural Law of Attraction. So if we feel awful andnegative, we give that out, the energy we send out attracts similarnegative energy which then returns to haunt us even more. That is whycertain people constantly have negative experiences. Nothing willchange until they change their thought processes. So you need to becareful what you focus on because that is all you will get in life!


However, how do you begin to love yourself when others might not have affirmed or loved you?Avery good question, not so glib to answer because it is difficult todo. It means you have to try to overturn years of negativity and beingundervalued by parents or lovers. However, it starts with establishing5 things:The value you place on yourself,Gratitude for your life and blessings,What you wish to do with that life,Self-appreciation and living in the present andSelf-forgiveness.Who is Your Personal Manager?First,begin by looking at yourself from the outside. Ask yourself, if youwere your own manager would you employ you? Would you employ someonewho puts you down, tells you how terrible you are, beat you up forevery mistake, loathes you and does nothing to motivate you? One whoforces you to put up with violence or putdowns, to be treated like adoormat? Of course not. Yet you constantly do that to yourself! Time tosack that personal manager, that little voice of negativity within you,and get a new motivational one!


Second, begin to give thanks foryour LIFE and its blessings. Your time on earth is very preciousbecause many people have no life. Theirs have been taken while you arestill enjoying yours. Appreciate that simple fact and give thanks. Itis a fact of life that the more we give thanks is the more we have tobe thankful for (that Law of Attraction again). Our gratitude energygoes out and attract other similar energy and bring us back much morein return.To begin the process of self-love, we have to ask ourself these questions. When did I last give deliberate thanks for...


waking up and seeing another day?the people in my life?the things I have been blessed with?the talents I have?the faculties that still work?my beauty, life and experiences?Do I just take everything and people around me for granted?
When did I affirm and reinforce someone?Third, what do you wish to do with that life? We are not talking about your job here. We are talking about your PURPOSE.
Whatmakes you want to jump out of bed in the mornings, makes you want tofly, thrills you with a warm glow when you think of it? That's yourpurpose. If you are feeling generally unhappy, you have notidentified your life purpose yet, otherwise you would be almostdelirious with excitement, as I am every day of my life. My work isjust magic. I can actually see the difference it makes to others andthat is so empowering - both to me and the receivers. You are probablyjust doing your job for the sake of the money, trapped by a mortgage orbeing a slave to material things. That will not make you feel good inthe long term. It will not give you much value. When we are living topurpose the world is our oyster and everything we want gradually comesinto being. We don't even have to try too hard, we just do our best andthe Universe delivers.


Keep out of the past unless it is positive!Fourth,I have learned that when we keep ourself in the past it is because wedon't like our present too much. We probably feel isolated, excluded,unloved, unappreciated, so we secretly blame ourself, we use ourdepression to maintain attention, but of a sort which, sadly, alienatesus from others and have counter-productive effects. In short, ourcurrent unhappiness helps us to hark back to the past to remind ourselfof how terrible we are while making our situation worse.



We keepthe negatives stuck in our head, perhaps for sympathy, instead offacing them, acknowledging them, forgiving OURSELF and others andmoving on. I could not forgive until I found love .. my own self-love.To find true love from someone else, you have to love yourself first.No one can love you for you.



But people who live in the past tendto take their present for granted, while many others have not been soprivileged to have one. We have no present or future if we live in thepast. We are so busy looking back there, we have no time to make afuture or to appreciate what we have. Hence we come across as selfishand ungrateful.



Someone once said, "If you want to know what yourfuture will be like, look at your habits now". Whatever habits you havetoday will dictate your tomorrow. If you have negative habits that keepyou stuck in the past, you will only keep getting what you've alwaysgot. Your future will be no different from today. Your habits, the wayyou do things now, will guarantee that.



So, in a nutshell, wehave to stop beating ourself up over past actions, stop aiming forperfection and stop comparing ourself to others, otherwise we willalways feel inadequate. You also have to appreciate yourlimitations, praise yourself DAILY for being a wonderful and uniquehuman being. Stop seeking the approval of others when the only standardshould be your own, and look outwards to others in love andappreciation than just focusing on yourself.



I have found allthese to be most helpful in developing self-love but, most of all,accepting myself as I am and giving thanks for every new day of mylife, instead of taking it for granted, has been the biggest factor innurturing my self love and moving me from feeling like 'crap' tofeeling fabulous and fantastic.



I hope this has been of some help.
How confident are you? Try our CONFIDENCE QUIZto test how you feel about yourself just now. Low confidence andself-esteem rob you of achievements and success. See if you're beingaffected by it.ELAINE SIHERA is an expert author,public speaker, media contributor and lifestyle columnist. The firstBlack graduate of the OU and a post-graduate of Cambridge University. Elaine is a Personal Empowerment and Relationships Consultant. Author of: 10Easy Steps to Growing Older Disgracefully; 10 Easy Steps to FindingYour Ideal Soulmate!; Money, Sex & Compromise, among others(available on http://www.amazon.co.uk as well as her personal website). She describes herself as, "Fit, Fabulous, Over-fifty and Ready to Fly!"