Funny New Year's Eve Jokes

Funny New Year's Eve Jokes










A
New Year Prayer for the Elderly


God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.



New
Year: Time to Diet




Well, well. It seems that your weight is perfect. It just happens that
you are eleven feet too short. See also Women's parts.




Dieting - New Year Resolutions

2007: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.
2008: I will
follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.
2009:
I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2010: I will
work out 3 days a week.
2011: I will try to drive past a gym at
least once a week.




New
Year's Day Prayer for One and All


Dear LordSo far this year I've done well.I
haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't been greedy,
grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that.
But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then
on I'm probably going to need a lot more help. Amen








A New Year's Wish


On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it
was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband
to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck - the
bartender was almost crushed to death.
Lecture Tour with A Difference


On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left
his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along,
he was stopped by a policeman. 'What are you doing out here at four
o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.
'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.
'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at
this time on New Year's Eve?' enquired the constable sarcastically.
'My wife,' slurred Daniel grimly.
Politician in Action


A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whisky.'If
you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body,
desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But
if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter
chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to
comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my
position, and I will not compromise.' New Year Jokes - One Liners
To kick start my New Year, I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your
glass.
When I thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year.

I gave up thinking.
Definition of a hangover:
Wrath of Grapes.





Top 10 New Year's Resolutions

1. Spend more time with the family.
   
2. Take more exercise - Get fit.
   
3. Lose (loose!) weight.
   
4. Give up smoking (again).
   
5. Get out of dept.
   
6. Learn a new skill, take up a new hobby.
   
7. Put something into the community -help others.
   
8. Get organized. Else buy shares in diary, or companies selling
   electronic planners!
   
9. Become more security conscious.
   
10. Give up drinking, at least for the first week of January!